Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
