so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
