Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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