I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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