Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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