I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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