he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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