I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
