I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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