I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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