Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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