I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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