end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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