She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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