yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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