im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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