my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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