Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
