I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
