I met the friendliest cop last night
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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