She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
