Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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