I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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