Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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