I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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