Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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