dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
