oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
