i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
