i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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