Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
