The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
