Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
