He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
