last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
We got so high we made milksteak
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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