You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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