we have pet lesbian snakes
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
