my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
