How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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