shes about as inviting as chlamydia
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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