Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
