i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
