So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
