Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
