my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
