You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
