I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
