We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
