You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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