Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
