Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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