I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
